so what have i done?

on the walk home muy head was filled with poetry as it often is after this much spirits.
I thought about how you walked away. and i got sad. then i walked back in for mor bourbon.

I can't help but say things to these people right now in these times. teh promises were made. and her perfume, an d her perfume and her perfume. and all this bourbon swimming aoround in minde veins.

i'm captivated. and lonely. what am i doing to su? what am i doing to you? and me? i'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.


can you ever forgive me?

What the Hell Am I Doing?

I'm missing you a little. Who the hell am I kidding? I'm missing you a lot. I think about you toomuch.

And you, I really thought about fuckingyou tonight. And how great it would be. I can't get over that moment, when I thought about fucking you.

And you. You have never been so distant. But that's because I'm running way from you. And I'm sorry for that.

Can we all figure this out?

another post. perhaps I'm becoming an alcoholic. moreso.

A girl is a precious thing. That's tough sometimes to remember and other times it is far too clear.

I'm an asshole.

I don't knwo what else to say.

I'm sitting here with a salami sandwich. My girlfirend is in the next room and I think she's fallen out of love with me.

I'm not sure if I blamne her. I coudl fall out of love with me too.

I needa distarction. Hold on, please.

Have you any idea where I'm going? Cause I could use some direction.

I am a lost soul. It's hard tosrescue sould because they squirm more and they're difficult to hold on to.

I am probably upsettng. To a lot more people than me.

I should quit. All of it. Just up and quit. What a wake of disaster I might leave in my path.

I am the asshole.

I'm going to go brush my teeth. And slipped down to my sleeping clothes. Then?

Then, my firend. I will fall sleep lonely.

And hopefully not wake up hiung over.

La MArseillaise

I saw the French flag pour through open windows tonihgt. Red and blue walls divided by white trim. I walked through the drizzle of this rain soaked city and love every minute of it. Even the minute where I stepped around puke. Ihave n't made teh trek through closing time in awhile. It wasn't quite there yet but it was close. People pouring out of bars and into cabs, stumbling pedestrians occupying entrie sidewalks and disobeying traffic signals.

I feel lost and right at home.

I wonder wher eyou are.

And if you're thinking of me too.

My life has been a tree. It began in the roots which weren't mine and the trunk was straight and narrow. Now we are dividing in to branches. And the paths are many. Too many to choose. And I dont know where all these things lead. And I'm trying not to use the delete key but it's hard. Forces of habit are hard.

What shall we do?

Shall we conitnue on?

No doubt we shall.

But I can't help getting misty about the whole thing and wishing the decisions weren't mine.

this hurts

My feet hurt. I was on my feet all day and sick to my stomach and then came home and watcvhed a movie and watched some tv and drank. fuck. What the hell is my life comeing to?

I keep falling in love. Please someone stop me from falling in love.

fuck your wedding pt. 2

NOt wasted wasted, stinking drunk. But intoxicated.   That's fair I think.

I drank alone.  In my lviing room.  Not even my roommates ketp me company.  Everyone I would have liked tospedn the evning with was indisposed, unavailable, out of town, or some combination thereof.  Who says you don't need oxford commas?

My dad called me today.  This is remarkable in and of itself.  My dad has called me a hnadful of times since I left for college.  BUt my sister called me first to warn me about my dad calling.  Which has also happened only a few times.

My father is remarrying.

After being divorced for not quite a decade.  And having a live-in girlfriend for most of that time.

This is upsetting.  I think it seals the coffin on the family I once had.  It is the final nail.  Sunk hard on the lid.  There was never any hope of resuceitation but it does hurt throw it in a hole and start pouring dirt on it.

I tihnk my father cheated on my mother.  I have no proof.  And this was never discussed but I remember a number of late evening phone calls where my sister and i were sushed away, my mother in tears, my father not around.  And the arguments during that timeintensified.

MY father tried briefly to compare his girlfirend ot my mother.  This was so outrageous I nearly snapped.  It was one sentence in a 7 minute conversation but it was everything tome.  The whole thing I felt wasabsurd.  I suppose, I imagined my father might end up like his father.  With a live-in girlfreind for the rest ofhis life.  Times cahnge I guess. My father tried to re-assure me by promising my sister and i everything in his will.  This was a nice gesture but not my primary concern.

So I will attend a wedding, against my better judgement, this winter.

For fuck's sake.  Are you kidding me?